10 Reasons I am a Shitty Mommy Blogger

// This is an old post from a defunct blog of mine. It's still funny. //

Mommy bloggers, as a group, are pretty fucking awesome. These ladies are either incredibly fit and gorgeous SuperMoms or incredibly trendy and organic-loving Hipstermoms or keepin' it real and slightly sweary RealMoms. As a whole however, they make me feel like I am the shittiest Mommy/Blogger ever and here's why:

10 Reasons I am a Shitty Mommy Blogger

1. I don't celebrate the little (or even the big) moments with tastefully crafted DIYs. I didn't throw Melanie a half birthday party complete with half a birthday cake and delightful favors for our guest. I did remember to schedule her six month well-baby appointment… a week later…

2. There are no photos or canvases of my daughter anywhere in my home. For the record, I do have photos of her. I just don't have the money (or time) to make them all printed and big and up on my wall. I finally manage to swap out the standard wallpaper on my phone for a picture of her so WINNING.

3. My daughter isn't wearing anything eco-friendly, leather, or handmade by local artisans. Everything we own is from Old Navy, Target, or (most likely) garage sales. The coolest thing my baby owns are some little moccasins that I got off a knock-off boutique site.

4. I don't adore every single thing about my baby. Honestly, babies suck. They are boring and hard work. I love my daughter and I am so glad that she's mine but no, I don't feel blissed out every second of every day. Mostly I feel like drinking… and I don't even drink.

5. I hate reading to my daughter and playing games with her. Let me repeat – BABIES ARE BORING. I do try to read at least one book to her weekly but her Daddy reads her a book at bedtime so I chalking that up as Good Enough. And playing games? She's completely entertained chewing on the dog's tail – what more could I offer?

6. I do make stuff but I forget to take pictures for a blog post. Plus, my house is so very ugly and shitty and it really, really embarrasses me. So… no pictures.

7. I don't have an iPhone or wear Uggs or do nail art. I hate Apple products, I'm 100 pounds overweight so leggings are not a good plan, and I can't even remember the last time I got a manicure much less painted the entire Last Supper on my fingers.

8. Melanie doesn't have a nursery worth swooning, dying, or killing over. Because for nearly a year – Melanie didn't even have a nursery. She got a crib next to our bed and a not covered changing pad on top of a dresser. That's it. Now, she does have a room but it hasn't been remodeled yet. It's all floor-to-ceiling wood paneling (except the area that has a random piece of drywall nailed to cover a giant hole with insulation spilling out of it) and not much else. It's not pretty and not particularly functional but it's all we can afford right now as we remodel the kitchen and main living areas.

9. I have less than five photos total of me with my baby. The reason is pure vanity. I'm 100 pounds overweight and 37 years old. I have exactly two pairs of yoga pants that fit and a couple of nursing tanks. I didn't do a pregnancy maternity session. Melanie's newborn session only has a single photo of me with her and I hate it. I am SO ugly and fat and huge. I am working on losing the weight (really, I am) but I still hate the way I look so much that my baby has no photos with me in them. Yes, I know that it's more important for me to be in the photos and memories and all the jazz but y'all – NO.

10. My kid watches A LOT of TV. Like, A LOT. I work from home and have no money for a caregiver or day care. So, during the morning hours while I work – the TV is tuned into Disney Junior for hours on end. Now, she doesn't just sit there and mindlessly watch the TV all day. She is very active and plays constantly while it's on (and I take regular breaks to hang out with her) but yes, it's on and that's just the way it has to be right now.

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How about y'all? Any of you shitty mommy bloggers?