If Holiday Newsletters Were Real

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It's that time of year, y'all. When holiday cards are being mailed and epic newsletters are being written. Remember those? The entire time I was growing up, my mom would create one of these paper masterpieces every year to send out with our (painfully awkward) Christmas photo card. Using 1980's clip art and the art of exaggeration, my mom would pen an epic rundown of our family's year. Everyone used to do this but the advent of social networks has made the old habit almost obsolete.

However, I've noticed that few people are still out there – hanging on to this age old tradition. And these same people are still lyyyyyyyyying through their teeth about the their “accomplishments” and humblebragging the crap out of every. single. little. thing. I mean, really, people. Like we all can't read between the damn lines. In fact, I'm so over these “Aren't I Better Then You” manifestos that, this year, I've decided to write my own. Completely unpolished and unapologetic.

If Holiday Newsletters Were Real

Dear Friends, Family, and People That I Don't Really Care About But Send Us Cards Every Year,

What up? Well, another year has come and gone and we're still here (and no one is in jail!).

Melanie is, as always, a super active, super strong, and (at times) a super asshole. Have you ever argued with a 3 year-old? Forget waterboarding… THAT should be the torture tactic used by unscrupulous Americans. I'd like to say that she's amazing and gifted and stuff but since she regularly puts a bucket on her head and walks into walls – Imma have to say nope on that one. It would be lovely to hear her sweet voice singing little songs and lisping along as we read books but really, when it comes to singing, she's more the NOISE in “joyful noise”. And reading – pffffffft. We've moved past the age were we can skip over pages in long books and now she forces us to read every. single. page. Sometimes twice. It's freaking boring.

We were actually delighted to welcome a new member of the family in August. Finn is chubby and cute and only an asshole sometimes (so, a VAST improvement on his sister). He did, however, take his sweet ass time being born. He was a week late, had to be induced, took forever to start labor, then was upside down and wouldn't flip, then would. not. come. out. He's here now and delightful but damn kid. This baby's so chill it's like he smoked a whole bowl in utero. Anyway, he eats, poops, and sleeps so we're pretty proud of him.

The Boy also eats, poops, and sleeps but we cheer and track that a lot less. He did some hunting this year and a little fishing but mostly he went to work and then sat in his recliner and read books. And…. yep. That's pretty much all he did.

Cris continues to be fat. Like, FAT fat. She lost 50 pounds, then got pregnant with Finn, and gained it all back. Since he's been born she's only lost 20 pounds (making her a solid 100 pounds overweight) because she just can't stop shoveling delicious food into her mouth. She also blogs which basically means that she spends all day, every day in three day old yoga pants writing about herself and her family. Sometimes, she remembers to brush her teeth before her husband comes home.

This year, as a family, we refinanced our house. That's it. That's all we did. So, merry everything y'all (because we're not assholes who insist that you only celebrate the season the way that we do)!

The Family