Shit I Said to My Baby Today

// I wrote this years ago for an old blog of mine. It's still funny. //

So, my baby is six months old and I'm a crappy mother. Don't believe me? Check out the shit I said to my baby today:

Shit I Said to My Baby Today #parenting #mommy #mom #baby

“Do you want me to change your shitty pants?”

“I will wipe your asshole clean…” (sung to the tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”)

“Do you want some boobie?”


“Look, I just made you smack your own ass!”

“Please get your face out of the dog's water bowl.”

“Okay, fine. Chew on the dog's toy. I've got emails to send.”

“Your sucky is fine. It's only been under the couch for a little while.”

“I need you stop licking my nipple.”

“I'm gonna kiss the crap out of you.”

“Phew! Smell that fart. Yeah, baby.”

I am a terrible mother.