It's an odd little party, motherhood.The days are long, the nights are longer, your boobs droop, and a your life is ruled by a tiny bald person who expects you to clean their butt.
And the weird part? You love that little bald nugget so much that you just don't mind.
But I will tell you this, I have uttered some weird/odd crap during my first foray into the Mommyhood… stuff that I NEVER thought I'd ever say. EVER.
20 Things I Said During My First Month of Motherhood
- Someone look at my nipple! Is that a normal looking nipple to you?
- You can smack your lips all you want but I'll tell you the same thing I tell your father – my boobs are busy right now.
- Today I had a doughnut, a Diet Coke, and a turkey sandwich. That's all the food groups, right?
- Don't go in there. I just pooped another child for you.
- Weren't my nipples pointed the other direction this morning?
- You can either change dirty diapers or breastfeed – your choice (said to my teenage brothers).
- Did I brush my teeth today? How about yesterday?
- What's wrong with this shirt? I've only worn it the last three days and that's just a little spit-up. No one will even notice.
- We had a great night! I slept three hours (said without an ounce of sarcasm).
- I love you so much. If I hadn't just pushed a human being out of my vagina, I'd so be doing you right now.
- I bludgeoned my baby's head with a Diet Coke can!
- WE DO NOT HUMP THE BABY (said to the dog)!
- My tits look like I should be doing porn. Like, bad porn filmed in Ohio.
- Today's goals are to brush our teeth and put on clean underwear. Fingers crossed!
- Just balance the can on her head. She's asleep – what does she care?
- You know what I like best about this onesie? It's the same color as my s'more so it doesn't matter if I eat it while holding the baby (said while licking stray chocolate off the onesie… while it was on my daughter).
- Poop 1, Stool Softener 0.
- Can she just quit formula cold turkey? What if she has withdrawals? Like a crack whore?
- Damn, she pooped in the bed again. Eh. It's only a little… it'll dry before bedtime so I can sleep.
- Is that a normal looking vagina to you? I mean, does it look better now AFTER the baby than before? Be honest.