The Ranty Bride: Vocabulary Lesson #2 – Papa (or Mama)-razzi

Papa- or mama-razzi: relatives who think – because they have a digital camera and a Facebook page – they have been ordained to capture every single second of your wedding, resulting in photos of bridal party members and guests looking annoyed, chewing, not paying attention, or just out of focus, like this:

122711 b
(sorry, Jenna – I tried to stop him)

Or, this:

122711 c
(note how NOT A SINGLE PERSON is looking at the camera, or doing anything interesting, unless you think the fact that they're wearing an ugly holiday sweater un-ironically in early October interesting) 

Or this gem:

122711 d
(my mother *insists* she is not flicking off my father, but you be the judge)

They do this despite the fact that you're paying – handsomely, I might add – a professional photographer, and, unlike that professional who is trying to capture candid, heartfelt moments in an unobtrusive manner, the papa- and mama-razzi manage to be as obtrusive as humanely possible, including, but not limited to, preventing the bride and groom from eating, talking to their guests, or, you know, getting photographed by the REAL photographer. Additionally, the focus they devote to their photographic duties prevents them from paying attention to things like, for example, your wedding rehearsal, so they will be completely unprepared on the big day. Don't say I didn't warn you.

A la TMZ, their goal is to post BREAKING NEWS of your special day as quickly as possible, so that filter that would normally say, "Eh, maybe not this one," is overridden by their journalistic urgency, causing them to put shit like this on Facebook, captioned, "My son and daughter":

122711 a

…not realizing that people (ok, me) might think it's gross when people are commenting, "Congrats, you two!!" until someone points out it's a photo of the groom's SISTER creepily clinging onto him (in velour, apparently), and not, you know, a picture of the bride and groom, as the commenters (not just me! Ha.) were expecting.

Sidenote: shout-out and thanks to all the random FB people who pointed out it was, in fact, creepy, so I didn't have to. Also the, "I think it's, 'Look, it's my widdle brother all growed up!'" comment? Not helping your cause. And it's 'beaucoup,' not 'boo coo,' for Christ's sake. That is totally unrelated but REALLY pushing my grammar button today.

Yes, it should have been a warning every time he interrupted your dance recital rehearsals to take fuzzy, poorly lit photos of you and random kids whose names you won't remember twenty years later, and good thing it was the 80s, because now? They'd probably call the cops. Or Chris Hansen.