It’s Wedding Wednesday again, y’all! For the past couple of weeks, I’ve taken this opportunity to share lotsa my wedding’s fun and colorful stuff with you. But it’s time to be real. Sometimes, the process of getting’ married isn’t all DIY buntings and buying pretty stuff. Sometimes, it’s serious. Like the dreaded name game. To change or not to change – that is the question.
This is a passionate debate with plenty of deep feelings on both sides of the fence (and with lots of unsolicited opinions and “advice” from other fences ***coughcough*** family members). I could sit here all day and list the perceived pros and cons of changing or not changing your name. But that decision all boils down to you and your partner. Whether you like it or not.
Take for example, The Boy and I. One day while we were dating, we randomly stumbled on to ye olde name change conversation. And imagine my shock when I found out that completely modern, pretty forward-thinking, open-minded boyfriend was absolutely adamant that his wife would have the same name as him. WHAT?!?!
See, I’ve always planned on keeping my name. I like it. It’s short, simple, and people remember it. Also, I am ferociously attached to my last name because my biological father left my mom when I was born – because I was a girl. Two years later she married a wonderful man who fought to adopt me and my sisters and give us his last name. I have never, ever forgot that moment in the courtroom when it became official. And I’ve loved my last name ever since.
Needless to say, I was less than thrilled to find out that my future husband was so resolute about me taking his last name (and a little pissed because his ex-wife was still using his last name. Awkward.). I tried every argument and rational theory that I could think of to alter his opinion but nada. He was stuck on it.
Fast forward to our super non-romantic engagement and one of the things that we talked about was The Name Change. Either of had budged on our way of thinking. So, we met halfway – I’m hyphenating my name. Neither of us is completely happy with this arrangement but… whatcha gonna do? Sometimes, marriage means compromise. And sometimes compromise means that neither of you is completely happy with your decision but neither of you loathes it enough to call the whole thing off.
So that’s our story. What’s yours? Thinking of changing yours or no way in hell? Who made the decision and how did your partner feel about it? How are you tackling your name change? Are you using a service like Mrs. Forever or doing it yourself? If you’re tackling this on your own – be sure to download this cheat sheet as a little reminder of all the different things you need to do to change it:
J (Sparkly Love) says
Hey thanks for that name change cheat sheet! That is really helpful. I like my last name, but I’ve always planned on changing it. I was one of those girls who would doodle my first name with my boyfriend (or dream boyfriend)’s last name in the margins of my notebook. It’s always been part of getting married for me. I have a younger brother who will carry on our family name (kind of shocked he hasn’t already lol) and I’m going from one polish last name to another, so the “spelling the name over the phone… NO, Z not C” game isn’t going away any time soon!
Ashley says
Oh wow, I just had an hour long phone conversation with a married friend who is regretting her name change. How well timed!
I sort of want to hyphenate, but I have a lot of friends who have decided to have four names. I’m not sure of the pros and cons of the four name vs. hyphenation, so I’ve been curious about this.
My plan is to do one of those – I have to keep my parents’ name, it’s where I came from! But I want solidarity with my husband and our future family as well. It’s such a tough decision! (Sorry I’m so verbose. I’m just excited about this topic today, apparently.)
KissMyTulle says
Four names is super common in Europe. I’m hyphenating because that’s what seemed to work for us (agreement-wise).
My thoughts? Wait six months after your wedding to do the name change (if possible) and practice using both types of the name. You’ll figure out which one you like. Good luck!
Deb says
OMG Cris I laughed all the way through your post.
It took me back to a time when…well it would take up the whole page here to tell my full ‘hyphenated surname’ story (if you have any interest I can email you) but after 20+ years of using a hyphen I threw it away two yrs ago and am happy (read: estatic) to be just plain ol’ one-surnamed me again! I feel like a weight’s been lifted and life is so much simpler. Crazy I know!
I’m still happily married but yet I feel a sense of freedom with this shedding of (what I considered) the superfluous surname. I feel a sense of ‘me’ again. What once was such an all-important marriage planning decision (how should we be announced after the ceremony) that was filled with much angst, is now something we look back on and laugh. And it became a bit of nightmare figuring out what name to use for which occasion.
For example: Deb Smith-Jones. I would always end up using a combo of all three names depending on circumstances – personal, business, and as a convenience. Got to the point that before hub would go out to pick up something for me I’d put on hold or ordered he would have to ask me first “and who are we today Deb?” He never knew what name I would be giving to anyone ie. Deb, Mrs. Smith or Jones or Smith-Jones. Over the years it became quite the joke w/us.
With the change of the family dynamic and what with the internet business, blogging and branding explosion, taking a spouse’s name doesn’t seem to be the expected norm or assumption any more, but rather the exception. Professional bloggers and online professionals who have made a brand with their name seem to ultimately end up using two names, their original online and for business and their spouse’s surname for family, etc. A problem I found with that was then you end up with doubles of some things like cheques, stationery, biz cards, monograms, etc. I seemed to have had double everything over the years for my many ‘aliases’ as hub would call them. LOL
As you say, it’s every couple’s personal choice.
Thanks for taking me back a ‘few’ years and making me laugh at the memories of our surname journey and a decision we thought would be the most crucial of our lives and marriage. Aaaah to be young and in love. 🙂
Signed,
Happy to be a one-surname girl again!
Deb says
…just realized it may not be clear who’s surname I dropped – it was the hub’s. 🙂 I also never changed my birth cert or SIN card (I’m in Canada) from my original surname so only info I had to change when I dropped a surname was a credit card, driver’s license and passport, which I had acquired with the hyphenated surname. There were no fees for any of these changes and was so simple. In Canada it’s basically a ‘use it, or lose it’ policy with adopting a hypenated surname after marriage. You don’t have to change any documentation and just start using a hyphenated surname at will. Same thing if you decide you don’t want to use it down the road – just ‘lose it’. 🙂
KissMyTulle says
First, thanks so much for writing! I love hearing from people have already dealt with this whole thing. Unfortunately, in the US – if you change your name you have to go all out and do it all. Luckily, you can wait and do it whenever you want. I plan on waiting a while to do it and then, only changing our joint accounts/bills. I am legally “allowed” to keep my real name for business purposes. I plan to do that since I’m super lazy and it involves a lot less work. Heh.
jackie says
I’m currently having this argument with my guy. his last name is polish, and mine is very unique and italian even though i am dominican and black. I haven’t always loved my last name, however i think now that i’m not myself without it. the idea of hyphenating our two often misspelled and mispronounced names is horrifying. and he agrees that my name and his last name sound horrible, but is adamant that i take it. i wonder how he would feel if he had to take mine. i don’t know if we will ever come to a resolution…