You've been married exactly 10 seconds when you are suddenly bum rushed by your second cousin who demands to know, "When are you two going to have a baby?". Ugh. The shit people think is okay to say to newlyweds (or ANYONE for that matter)…
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Listen, it is NOBODY'S business but your own if and when you have children. Let me say it again. THAT IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS. But, alas, society being as it is, apparantly it is MORE rude to point that out to people than it is for them to get all up in your personal affairs. So here's a few suggestions on how to deal when people ask, "When are you two going to have a baby?".
Tell a little white lie. Listen, we all do it. It's a polite way to evade people's nosiness while maintaining your relationship with them. This a good time to bust out the old "Oh, we're not ready right now. Maybe someday…". And then change the subject.
Be honest. This is the one to use on your immediate family and closest friends. Suck it up and tell them (in private) how you feel and why you've made your decision. Be firm but gentle. Living your life the way that you want can sometimes step on other people's dreams and they may have problems accepting your choices. But stand strong – it's your life, your marriage, and only YOU know what's best for it.
Compromise. This is a good one for parents dying to be grandparents. Just tell them that you're feeling pressured by their questions and if they can agree to stop asking about it – you'll be sure that they are the VERY FIRST people you tell.
Humor. Make a joke. "I don't know! We keep sitting in the same hot tub but nothing's happening!" – then change the topic.
Be rude. This is a good one for random strangers or people you just hate. When they drop the "When are you two going to have a baby?" question, respond with, "I don't know… when are you going to fix that nose?". Then smile and walk away.
Don't forget – always, always deliver these lines with a smile. It's the sweet and "sincere" smile that will sell it. And just try to think of these invasive queries as less about you and more about the asker. “People like to think that what they are doing is right, and if you do it too, that validates their choices,” says Mark Sharp, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Aiki Relationship Institute in Illinois.
So, how do y'all deal with The Baby Question?
Rogue Bride says
I told my grandad the other day “don’t hold your breath.” Seriously, at his age, holding his breath until we have kids would be hazardous to his health. Actually, that would be hazardous to anyone’s health.
Stephanie Elizabeth {Fab You Bliss} says
It’s been almost five years since we got married and three years since we were told we would most likely not have children. After one very public post about it on my blog and mine and The Hubby’s decision to NOT try anymore, my mom still tries to sway us to try artificial methods. And as much as I try to tell her that’s not what we want, I think she has selective amnesia. It’s definitely a hard subject, but it doesn’t have to be if everyone just respects everyone’s decisions.
KissMyTulle says
Rogue Bride – Humor… the ultimate death push.
Stephanie – That sucks (and I’m sorry you have to deal with it). The same thing has been happening to a close friend of mine and she’s so frustrated with how much people thin it’s okay to (literally) be all up in her business – even asking to see the doctor’s reports. Stay strong.
kristina says
Sadly we lost a baby due to an ectopic shortly after our wedding. Out of embarrassment I kept our loss a secret from most family and some friends so when they bring up the dreaded baby question it breaks my hearts. Even my mom who knows about it will still ask and she knows what happened. Whenever I have I don’t drink alcohol at a function some one always asks. Most of the time I want to be rude and blurt out “No we already lost a baby and I may not be able to have children” Ugh! It could be still fresh b/c it only happened in June but I’ve come to the realization asking or implying is a very rude questions for numerous reason.
KissMyTulle says
Kristina, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I think you’re probably handling everything a lot better than I would (I envision lots of sucker punching from me). And I know – how AWFUL is it that it’s okay for others to pry into your personal issues but rude for you to point it out to them.
I’m lovin’ ya, girl.
Anni says
I love the humor one, but I’ve noticed that it usually gets death stares most of the time.
I just hate all the opinions. It seems like kids, marriage, and religion are the big three topics that people just need to tell you you’re wrong about.
We’re unsure if we want kids, leaning no but leaving it up to our future selves to decide in 8 years or so, and I’m always amazed by how many people just flat out tell us “you’re wrong, you’re going to have kids.” It’s kind of strange, like, do you have a magic 8 ball in there? Can you pull out the winning lotto numbers for me, please?
I do feel bad that our parents want kids so bad (I’m an only child, so I’m my mom’s only hope at grandbabies) but in the end, we’re the ones parenting and our kids would be the ones dealing with us. So I know guilt can’t be the deciding factor at all.
KissMyTulle says
Anni, Sheesh. People. They amaze me with their inappropriateness.
And you’re very, very right. Guilt should not be the reason to have babies. Think of it this way, do they want grandbabies SO bad that they are willing to have them taken away by the state when you’re unable to care for them?
P.S. Yes, I have used the above line.