True Confessions of a Crappy Mommy

[su_note note_color=”#FFFFFF”]***This is an old post from one of my now defunct blogs. It was originally published in 2014 but it's still really fucking funny.***[/su_note]

It’s Friday and that means that it’s time to ‘fess up to my craptastic moments as a new mom. After reading these, you should either A) feel better about yourself as a parent, B) have a very low bar to measure your parenting, C) be tempted to call Child Protective Services, and/or D) rejoice in your current state of unparenthood.

Yesterday, I pretended my baby was crying to get out of a phone call with one of my husband’s friends whom I don’t like very much.

My daughter got four of the exact same toy for Christmas. We returned three of them and used to the money to buy her clothes. Until the day I die, I will look the givers in the eyes and swear that the remaining toy is the exact one they gave us.

When she was a newborn, my favorite onesie to put her in was brown because I could drip chocolate from s’mores on it and no one would know.

Sometimes, I pretend that an outfit someone gave us doesn’t fit because I don’t like it.

I keep forgetting her name and calling her Ella or Emily.

At dinner today, I let her lick the floor of the restaurant because my soup was good and I didn’t want it to go cold.

I’m pissed off at what my body looks like post-baby. I know that I’m supposed to be all zen and proud of my “warrior body” but really I’m just angry at what I look like now.

When she was really little, we used to leave her on the bed while we had sex (and keep one hand on her) because she would wake up if we moved her to her crib.

I’m glad I have a baby because now I feel like I have something interesting to people that I can share on Facebook and Instagram.

When I’m in the shower, I pretend that I can’t hear my baby wake up and cry because I just want a little more time to myself.

I’m still really “meh” about her first name.

Breastfeeding is an honor but it’s so, so boring.

She fell off our bed and I was really scared that CPS was going to come and take her away.

I let the dog lick her on her face because it’s easier than stopping him.

When the doctor at her two month appointment asked me if we were doing tummy time, I lied and said yes. The reality is that it’s insanely boring and I’m too old and fat to get on the floor like that for 90 minutes every day – so I skip it.

When I was struggling to breastfeed, a couple of people told me to quit after the first few days. I’m still angry at them.

I accidentally choked her during her newborn photo shoot because I held on to her neck too tightly while trying to flip her over for a shot.

Most people in my family (and in-laws) are awesome and don’t interfere too much. But one person is always trying to find something wrong with her or tell me what to do and it takes everything in my power not to punch her in the face.

I was glad to have a girl because the clothes are cuter and I didn’t really know how to keep a penis clean.

I frequently scratch or gouge my daughter with my rings.

I visit a lot of blogs and think that my baby is way cuter than the children of most of the bloggers.

I’m a little perplexed that people who never give us Christmas or birthday gifts (or even a wedding gift) suddenly can’t stop giving our daughter stuff.

I think it’s funny when my baby tries to crawl and ends up face-planting.

I can’t wait for her to become a toddler because I’m just not really a baby person and think she’s kind of boring.

Do you have any crappy parent confessions?