From Cris: Raise your hand if you LOVED real bride-to-be Liz Lewis's first bridal rant? How about her second? Well, brace yourself, y'all – She's baaack!
From Liz: Given that I've already ranted about the newlyweds and the family members, there's really one group left (Ok, two, if you count vendors. Why is it so hard to get them to call you back when you're trying to GIVE THEM MONEY? But, I digress.): guests.
Someone in your life has asked you to graciously be a part of their special day. Now what? Naturally, I have the answers for you! And now, how to avoid a guest faux pas:
Image Courtesy of: Dang Orange
– R. S. V. Freaking P. I've read old-school etiquette guidelines that say you'd better have a damn good reason to skip a wedding - and that you'd better let the couple know exactly what that reason is. Personally, I don't think you have to give anyone a reason why you can't go (though if it's a close friend or family member, it might be nice to do). People have conflicts. No biggie. However, do the couple the courtesy of letting them know ASAP.
No joke, I sent out our first batch of 20-some invitations and, within a few days of the "reply by" date, had received four responses. FOUR.
Return postage was paid for and you could RSVP online. Could. not. be. easier. So, we had to recruit someone to hunt down everyone and ask for a response. Only two of the non-responders were even considering coming.
Again, whether or not you're coming isn't the issue. Either way, let the couple know in a timely manner if you've already made your decision. Not responding to an invitation to a wedding you have no intention of attending is just plain rude. Ditto for showing up without an RSVP.
Image Courtesy of: My Tucson Wedding
– No, the couple did not forget to invite your kids/boyfriend of two weeks/random guest. If they're not on the invitation, they're not invited. End of story.
Excluding +1s/kids is an argument that will likely never be settled, but that's not the issue at hand. If they didn't invite them, there's a reason, and it's not your place to insist otherwise. If it makes you that mad, don't come (just send that RSVP, please).
Image Courtesy of: Joesan Photo
– Keep photographs during the ceremony to the ABSOLUTE minimum unless the couple requests otherwise. Weddings I've been to lately end up looking like the couple is being assaulted by paparazzi, not to mention there's a whole subset of digital camera users who cannot seem to figure out how to shut off the happy little noises their camera makes every. single. time. they take a picture. Don't even get me started on the guests who jump into the aisle to get a close-up of the newlyweds as they're trying to walk down the aisle or the guy who spent five minutes loudly rewinding his old-school 35mm camera so he could reload IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CEREMONY. I can't make this stuff up.
I get it, you're happy and want to document the moment and share it with all your besties. Regardless, when a bunch of attendees are snapping away, it's really disruptive. If you're busy messing with your camera, you're not paying any attention to the reason for the whole gathering – two people are joining together as a family. It's a big moment and shouldn't be ruined by 100+ cameras.
Wait for the couple to share the professional digitals, and save your camera for the reception.
Image Courtesy of: Zazzle
– If the couple wants you to hang out at their house, they'll invite you. During the week of their wedding, it's likely the one place where they can relax and regroup, not to mention it probably will look like Michael's threw up tulle and DIYed crafts all over the place (just me?). We've had people invite themselves for house tours, a place to get ready, even STAY with us the weekend of our wedding - when the last thing this frantic bride wants to deal with is entertaining house guests and cleaning bathrooms right before the big day. Unless you're offering to help, don't assume it's "no big deal" for you to drop by, and just because it's too stressful for them to have you over at that time doesn't mean they hate seeing you. It's not about you.
Image Courtesy of: Sarawak Report
– Weddings are not the time for you to spend lots of quality time with the bride and/or the groom. They're going to be running around like chickens with their heads cut off, so if you're going to the wedding expecting an awesome reunion with lots of time to hang out and visit - you're probably going to be disappointed. Work on scheduling another visit if it's that important to see them for any significant length of time. Asking them to visit with you at the expense of their other guests is unfair to everyone, especially the bride and groom.
Image Courtesy of: She Knows
– If you're anti-registry, don't buy off it. Heck, don't even look at it. Just because someone registered doesn't mean they're a selfish rube. Many couples just don't need the basics anymore and are actually getting the chance to upgrade the junk they've hung onto since their first apartment. And, with completion discounts, chances are the couple has a few big-ticket items on there that they do not expect anyone to actually buy them. This does not make them deserving of the wrath of the anti-registry contingent that seems to crab often and loudly. Having a registry does not mean they're even expecting a gift at all. If it makes you that mad, don't come. (RSVP!)
Image Courtesy of: MD Turner Photography
– Just because you *heart* dollar dances/garter tossing/the electric slide/cake smashing/(insert other "tradition" here) doesn't mean the couple wants it at THEIR wedding. Again, the whole point is that two people are getting married. This bride is about to post a list of traditional wedding things we're NOT doing on our website so everyone can get pissed at once. Frankly, if you're the type where not witnessing some random and, in the end, basically meaningless wedding-esque occurrence will ruin the whole event for you, stay home. (Say it all together now! R! S! V! P!)
Unless you are a) the bride or b) the groom, the day's not about you.
Image Courtesy of: Wedinator
– Don't be *that* guy. Unless otherwise specified by the bride and groom, this includes but is not limited to: no goldfish swallowing, no grinding on grandma, no obvious drunken groping, and NO JEANS.
Questions? You know where to find me. 🙂
Allie says
This made my morning! Liz cracks me up. What is UP with the no-RSVP thing? HELLO!
Preach on sister, preach on.
Liz says
I have since found additional areas on which to comment:
a) People actually take centerpieces WITHOUT BEING TOLD IT’S OK?? WTF is wrong with people? Some people rent/borrow things for their tables, so put that s*** down unless specifically told otherwise. O.M.G.
b) When it’s your wedding, you can play the Cha Cha Slide all you want. It won’t be at mine, because some idiot always grinds all over the floor, and, seriously, that song’s like 10 minutes of rhythmically-challenged people trying to clap to the beat. People who can dance? Don’t need the CHA CHA SLIDE to do it.
c) There is a reason the RSVP card did not include the following options: “maybe”, “if I can find a ride”, “if ____ can get off work”, “if I can find a hotel that will take my Marriott points.” YES OR NO, PEOPLE.
The Perfect Palette says
thanks for sharing 🙂
xo, chrissy
The Perfect Palette
chandra ~ oh lovely day says
seriously had these same issues, especially the RSVP issue and the “oh you must have forgotten my kids” issue. We actually had a guest get all passive aggressive on facebook about her kids not being invited. Know what I did? Blocked her! They did come and they did not bring kids, and we even offered to find and pay for a sitter to soften the blow. And even if a guest isn’t expected, if you attend a wedding you SHOULD give a gift. But the RSVP issue is a widespread epidemic and I totally do not understand. If you can’t find 10 seconds in your day to check a box and put the thing in the mail, I can’t believe I invited you in the first place…
Jessica [Shimmer+Silk] says
Liz, I want to hug you!
You know what I really hate that wedding guests do?? That stupid clink-your-fork-on-the-glass-and-expect-the-couple-to-kiss thing. Someone did that pretty early on at my reception and I shot them such a death glare that it never happened again. HATE that.
Also, yeah, why is RSVPing so hard?!
KissMyTulle says
I have to say, whenever Liz writes a post – we get THE BEST COMMMENTS EVER!!! Keeping the rants coming, y’all. If we can reach one person…
Liz says
Ugh, I almost forgot how much I hate the glass-clinking. Seriously, am I the only one who DOESN’T want to see people making out? If I did, I’d watch some Cinemax late night, or look at my one trashy relative’s Webshots. How is that entertaining?!! Is the couple a pair of trained monkeys there to amuse you? I’d rather see trained monkeys, for sure.
I threatened to flip off any clinkers, but my fiancé was not too thrilled PROBABLY BECAUSE HE KNOWS HIS FAMILY WILL DO IT.
The best was a friend whose new husband thought glass clinking meant you chug a beer (like it did in his fraternity), so he was chugging away as she turned for a kiss. Hee.
Sarah {A Paper Proposal} says
Awesome post! That last tip made my laugh out loud 🙂
Nora says
Ugh, not RSVP’ing is annoying even for parties and random things. How do you plan!
I hate when people get offended because some did or didn’t do something, especially when it’s something in a wedding. Which, no offense I love weddings and everything about them, doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Or at least will only affect you for maximum 3-5 hours. I give a big kudos for people rejecting traditions and doing what they want!
KissMyTulle says
Nora: EXACTLY!
Jessica@TWB says
Sounds like we need someone to get to the bottom of the RSVP mystery. I know I get the invite and make it a habit to pop it right back in the mail the same day or the next day at the latest. Either you know you’re coming or you’re not…!
KissMyTulle says
“Sounds like we need someone to get to the bottom of the RSVP mystery.”
I hereby nominate you… no tagbacks!!!
Liz says
Nora’s totally right, the RSVP thing is annoying for ANY event, let alone your wedding. However, it seems like – for whatever reason – people who would not think of behaving a certain way on ANY OTHER OCCASION suddenly lose their marbles when it comes to weddings. I don’t know if it’s that it’s such an emotionally-charged occasion, or such a big deal, or what. I mean, my mother asks me every year what I want for my birthday and Christmas, yet she’s totally anti-registry because you’re “telling people what you want.” Huh?
KissMyTulle says
Luckily, my family is pro-registry BUT having a really hard time understanding the concep of cash registries (like Deposit A Gift).
Liz says
Ok, time to add to my rant because this is SERIOUSLY DRIVING ME NUTS.
(sidenote: my favorite joke…so, a pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel on his belt. The bartender says, “Hey, isn’t that bothering you?” The pirate responds, “Arrrrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”)
Anyway.
The boy has a “friend”, B. I put that in quotes not in a shady way, but because I’ve never known him to actually, really talk to her in the 3+ years we’ve been dating except when he attended her wedding.
I met B once, at a wedding of a friend of the boy. He was at the head table, and I was with the mutants at table 9. Ok, not mutants, but all of the bridal party +1s were at this table, along with B and her then-boyfriend.
I got to listen to B rant and rave, loudly, about how she thought she was “better friends with [the groom] than THIS” and how she was seated at the back of the room with the likes of us, etc. Awesome.
Some time later, the boy goes to her wedding. I did not attend due to a prior commitment. No problem.
Fast forward to our wedding planning. We both have large families and a very limited budget. We had to make some tough choices on guests, and I therefore suggested we keep it limited to friends that we BOTH know unless they’re super-duper close, long-time friends that are out of town or whatever. The boy pushed to invite two friends, B being one of them, and their significant others because he’d gone to their weddings. I didn’t know either, really, other than the experience with B at that one wedding. After several lengthy debates, we decided to hold off on sending ALL friend invitations until we got RSVPs from the family members, figuring they would understand the situation we’re in.
As you saw in my above rant, the family? Not so great with the RSVPs. So, we held off on some of the friend invitations until we got responses from the family. And we sent the family invites several months in advance, so the friend invites would still go out in a timely manner.
The boy argued to send B’s right away because she would create “drama” if we didn’t, but I did not want end up having to boot out a close friend to accommodate someone I really don’t even know, and who hasn’t even talked to the boy in a few years. To me, it was a compromise to even include her, as they’re not really even friends, but whatever.
So, we’re at 6 weeks, and the last batch is about to go out, B’s invite included. The boy asks a mutual friend for B’s address. Mutual friend said not to bother even sending it, because B is pissed because she “already knows something’s up” and will be “even more pissed that she wasn’t in the first list.”
I know staggering invites kind of sucks, but overall, most people I’ve ended up telling about it completely understand the situation we’re in with the large families and limited capacity. Trust me, I would MUCH rather fill my wedding with friends vs. family, so it sucks for me, too, and our real friends get that.
B, on the other hand, will likely be confronting the boy in December at a mutual friend’s wedding because she would be pissed no matter what we did beyond including her in the very first round of invites, even though I’ve never known her to talk to my fiance and we had to exclude some close friends from the wedding due to space constraints – space we were willing to make for her and her husband, except now she’s pissed off anyway so we won’t even send the invite.
Naturally, people like this aren’t very self-aware, so – dear B – want to know why you weren’t in the first round? If you’ve only talked to someone once in 3-4 years, and that one time was at your wedding, you REALLY AREN’T FRIENDS. Friends change in between the time you’re 15 and 30. Maybe you don’t understand that because you don’t really seem like the type who’s able to make friends, so I doubt you really have any new ones, but this is a normal situation for most reasonable people. And, guess what? People planning weddings have to make tough choices when it comes to the guest list, and I’m so honored when I’m invited to one, I don’t care what list I was on! I assume friends often get invited after family. And if I’m not invited? That’s ok, too.
Honestly, you’re lucky the boy is your friend, because if you were “friends” with me, I would have written you off the moment I saw you being SO RUDE to loudly complain in earshot of the whole table that you couldn’t believe you were seated with “THESE PEOPLE.” Way to make a table full of people who don’t know each other even MORE uncomfortable.
Jerk.
Ugh, sorry ladies – I needed to vent to someone. Freaking ridiculous.
Janna (Sparkly Love) says
I’m so sorry I missed rant #1. I need to go back and find it because, umm I’m in love. I dragged my ass to the post office, bought stamps, put them on 100 stupid envelopes and put my address on them. I designed, printed, and cut out teeny reply cards and stuffed them in those envelopes, which I then stuffed in larger envelopes, which I paid even more postage for… you seriously can’t check YES or NO and put it back in your mailbox? How long does that take? SERIOUSLY? Deep breath. OK. My favorite non-RSVP came from one of my hubby’s friends, who I had to chase via phone and Facebook to finally get a reply from. Then, he asked 4 days before the wedding if it was “too late to bring a date?” No matter what happens, I’m staying with Erik forever, because I CANNOT ever be a bride again. The. End. 🙂