Many women want to lose weight before their wedding day. Between all the photos, guests you haven't seen in a while, and all the pressure surrounding the day, it's easy to see why.
Problem is, if you're anything like me, you gain it all back. And then some. So, you beat yourself about your weight gain and vow to lose it again.
I've been repeating this cycle since college. My senior year, I decided to lose weight to fit into a sorority formal dress that I loved. It was a size 14.
Image Courtesy of: Body by Vi Review
I was heavy from 4th or 5th grade on. In college, at 5'7", I weighed somewhere around 250 lbs and was a size 22. With only two days of classes each week and a part-time job, I had plenty of time to work out (and supportive friends who would go with me). Two years later, I weighed 138 lbs. To maintain that weight, I ate three Lean Cuisines a day and exercised for 45-60 minutes each morning.
It was unsustainable. Calorie-wise, I wasn't taking in nearly enough. I killed my metabolism. And, if I was honest with myself at the time, I would have admitted that all that weight didn't change the fact that I have a messed-up relationship with food.
Image Courtesy of: Bridal Iz
Now, ten years after I graduated, I weigh somewhere around 160 lbs. When I bought my wedding dress, I weighed 149. Six months before that, I went on Weight Watchers because I weighed 165 lbs. A year or so earlier, I had been back on the three Lean Cuisines a day kick and was down to 140. A year before THAT, I was at 169. I had gained a bunch of weight after trying Atkins, which had me at 142.
Sound familiar?
I bought the book, Women, Food and God a year or so ago, on the recommendation of my therapist. She said she read it and it made her think of me. I'd start reading it every month or so, only to give it up after a chapter or two.
Image Courtesy of: Arizona Foothills Magazine
When I went for my physical in January of this year and saw the scale, I figured I had two choices. The first? Go back on another diet. The Paleo diet was the one I was reading the most about. The second choice? Take a few hours and read the damn book.
I read the book.
Basically – and I'm not doing it justice, by any means – the book says that you won't lose weight until you fix your relationship with food. No kidding, right? But, here's the kicker… it says diets are your way of always giving you something to fix in your life. Problem is, when you fix it, your problems don't go away. So you go back to food for a billion reasons, none of which involve you actually being hungry. You eat because you're stressed, or sad, or lonely. You eat to avoid feeling those feelings, because you can't BEAR to feel them.
Image Courtesy of: Bollywood Shaadis
Those feelings will break you. And, let's face it – you're already broken. You spend lots of effort trying to keep down the parts of you that other people have told you are bad, or weird, or undesirable. You're too loud. People don't want to talk to you when they know how smart you are. You're too sensitive, or too emotional.
Thing is, those bad things? They're who you are. And when you can't change THEM, bad becomes worse, so you try to cope. Some people drink, some gamble, some take drugs.
If you're like me, you eat.
Image Courtesy of: Rockefeller News
Here's where the book comes in: you're not broken. That voice that tells you all the things that are bad about yourself? It's coming from someone that isn't you. Maybe it was a parent or a close friend. They could have been threatened by you, or stressed because your presence strained them financially, or mad that you got all the attention. So, they judged you. And, someone judged them. That person was judged by someone else.
These judgments are enough to break children, so they comfort themselves the best way they know how in order to survive. Chronic dieters eat to suppress the pain. As children, that's all you COULD do.
But, you're not a child. Bad feelings won't break you now.
Image Courtesy of: The Black Health Zone
When you have the urge to eat, investigate. Are you actually hungry, or are you lonely, or uncomfortable, or upset? What's that internal voice saying? If you're not actually hungry, chances are, it's talking shit.
Shut up the voice and you'll stop trying to fix yourself. Let yourself feel bad emotions, because you're strong enough to know that they will, eventually, pass. When you don't need to be comforted by food, you will listen to what your body actually wants. Chances are, it probably doesn't REALLY want that whole bag of chips.
Stop trying to fix yourself, and you'll lose weight. At least, that's what the book says.
Image Courtesy of: Eve Was (Partially) Right
So, I'm done dieting. And, you know what? It's harder work than it would be to restrict my eating. I have to trust that, with no food off limits, I won't just go buckwild and gain 200 lbs. I need to work hard to focus on listening to my body, not just beating myself up in between counting calories. I'm trying to exercise to become stronger and be able to do the things I want to do, like hike to Machu Picchu, not to fit into a pair of jeans.
I need forgive myself when I screw up and when I go back to my old habits, because old habits are hard to break. I want to stop letting other people define me.
Want to join this journey with me? Find me on Twitter or Facebook, and we'll work on finding ourselves. Together.
Pretty Clever Bride says
Wow, this is a very honest post, and one I think a lot women can identify with! As it goes to weddings, I always hate the fact that women pressure themselves to be something they are not on their wedding day. I mean he loves YOU, right? Not a skinnier you, or a more glamorous you, and you in heavy makeup.
Good luck and I hope we get to hear more from you about the changes you’re making!
Sarah {A Paper Proposal} says
A great read! I could relate to a lot of things you said. I actually did lose about 30 pounds before my wedding day, and I’m so happy that I did, but I do have to admit that the pressure to keep it off is constantly looming over my head. Ha, sometimes it seems as though I can’t win either way!
Jessica@TWB says
Such an honest post. Kudos for sharing and inspiring.
Krissy says
Taking care of your body to be healthy instead of skinny makes so much sense, and so many people still just work toward skinny… or a tiny number. I definitely have to work on my emotional eating. Thanks for a great post!
Katie @ Lovebird Productions says
Cris, I am so proud of you for writing this post. It is encouraging and challenging! Weight is never fun to talk about but only you can turn things into a positive 🙂
Liz says
As always, thanks, all, for the support. Weddings are such a fast-paced, stressful time. In hindsight, it’s crazy to think about pressuring yourself to lose weight on top of all the other wedding pressure, but people still do it all the time. It’s a day about love and family and will not be any less joyous if you don’t hit your ideal weight.
Honestly, I think it was just easier to fixate on losing weight than all of the other things I could not make perfect for the wedding. If there’s one thing I could control, it’s what goes in my mouth. But, because that’s an unhealthy approach, anything I lost came right back the second the stress ramped up because I used food for comfort. And, sadly, I think that happens to a bunch of people.
Ruth @ My Love Wedding Ring says
A really good post that probably many women identify with – i think i might be off to the bookstore….
Kewain {@nolabellesoiree} says
Well I recently have been on weight watchers and feel the same as you as far as not being able to take in enough calories!! I am nearing the point of just quitting and working out more while watching what I eat. Good luck on your journey!!
Kelly Quist says
Thank you for reminding me of this book! I NEED to read it again! Thank you for your very honest reflection on it. I belong to an online book club that read it and it seriously changed my way of thinking before my wedding. In the end, I dieted a bit and lost about 10 lbs before the big day. I walked down the aisle looking like myself, with all the love handles tucked away and the confidence I needed. Here’s the what I wrote, I hope you’ll take time to read it…
http://rootsandwings-kq.blogspot.com/2011/02/god-women-and-food-by-geneen-roth.html
Liz says
Thanks so much for sharing your post, Kelly! I’m glad you got as much out of the book as I did.